MySpace and TagDeaf
I'm seriously thinking about cancelling my MySpace and TagDeaf accounts - I don't go into them often, and well, they're not that interesting to me... they're just there. I believe that my real friends are the ones who talk to me every day, or almost every day. Many of those people that are on my friend lists, don't even keep in touch with me at all - just a comment here and there...and actually, I don't see the worth of having those.
I'll probably make a decision by March, although I think I know what my decision will be.
Mardi Gras Madness
Wow - Saturday, February 24th - Mardi Gras party at GSLAD Hall - was a total blast!!!
Jens and I were in charge of the balloon treasure game - where there were a BIG pile of balloons with coins - some had none, some had just one, and so on...up to - someone said 10 coins...wow.
They were to pay for one or three balloons, then pop it and gather the coins - then bring to us to claim a prize. Prizes were either masks or one HUGE bead necklace, a crown, a couple beer bottle sleeves, and beads, beads and more beads!
We were totally done within hours - maybe 3 hours.
I let the kids pop the leftover balloons for the coins, and we cleaned up the mess afterwards.
I did win one prize - a raffle prize. I was surprised when M.D. called out my number - I got a basket with four wine coolers, and one nice bottle of wine!!! Oooh-la-la!
After we were done, we went into the bar area and sat with friends, drank hurriances with rum, and talked, talked and laughed all night!!! Two girls even did quick flashes, and no one else noticed!! I mean NO ONE!!! Only one guy did, and I thought his eyes were gonna pop outta his head! I thought it was a riot, because they did turn around and flash the crowd on purpose...and everyone kept talking. No one even commented at all, not even turned a head or two!
OMG... wow.
But the food was good - although it was COLD. I never got a chance to sit down and eat - I was kept busy with the game...tsk tsk.
Heh.
Joking around at the CTMH Party
I was at a CTMH (Close to My Heart) party on the 3rd - and someone snapped a picture of me going WHY??? at Cas - looks like I'm saying ILY to her backwards!!! LOL!!!
She's really a funny, neat person to know and call a friend!!!
Still Thinking, Thinking
You know - I really have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I know it is very hard for me to open up - and it's taken me almost a year to be able to open up to Jens, and now another person, which I will call Angelic - which has taken me over 2 years.
I often worry about being able to open up - because I know my life here in St. Louis hasn't been the best - in fact, I know there are people that still hold on to the past and often warn other people that I'm a bad person, or warn them off about me. I've even caught a couple telling others that they shouldn't be friends with me, because I will only hurt them.
*sigh*
Just last Friday, at a friend's party at her home, I met up with someone from the past...and found out that he's one of those people that holds on to the past with a tight fist.
I did have my hand up for a handshake when he passed me, and he brushed it off, gave me the finger, and told everyone there that I was a bad person. I felt bad, but I brushed it off and told the others, especially his wife, not to worry. I wasn't one to hold on to the past or past grudges. However, I did feel sad all night long - because while I know I'm not a bad person, there are still people that think otherwise.
I do know I have good friends that do really care about me, however, I keep finding myself holding them back at arm's length...and I know that isn't good. I'm still working on the trust issue - seriously. I just need time.
It's a result of the abuse I suffered at CID, Frazier, Mark Twain and Brentwood High - no, not from the teachers or the administrators...from MY OWN CLASSMATES. I was the youngest in my class at CID, and the only deaf person in my class at all three schools for the hearing. I was totally resented - and they let me know in no uncertain terms.
I have not seen many of my old classmates for years, and when I do, I am cordial but VERY COOL with them. I have not even gone to a high school reunion, and they have had several already. I did go to one reunion for CID, and I will never go back again.
Also, because of the abuse, I go through periods of depression - mostly during the school year. During the summertime, I am just fine - go figure. I just hate it during those times of depression - oftentimes I don't feel like doing anything, and I have to force myself to get up and get going. I do manage to do that, though, and for that, I am grateful.
I do feel left out sometimes - when I get forwarded emails, I notice who have gotten it before me and I find that friends did get it and never did send to me - and it kinda hurts. Sometimes, I feel I'm just an afterthought - like it's an oopsie. Oh well... my self-esteem was really trampled upon and I'm still building it back up. Just give me time.
What can I do? I'm just grateful for those who do really keep in touch with me - if not for those friends, I would probably be totally lost to the world.
Also, another thing that is pretty difficult for me - I tend to compare myself to other people, both physically and mentally and I always seem to come up lacking. Maybe I'm not as thin as one person, maybe I'm not as pretty as that person, maybe I'm not as sweet as another - oh well. I know everyone does that from time to time - and I really need to stop comparing myself to other people. It's just hard not to.
I'm just me. That's who I am.
Back Again
OK - I'm back and today is Friday, February 23, 2007...been gone from here for almost a month.
What can I say?
Life caught up with me - I didn't even know I was trying to run away from it!
Anyway - let me get caught up here.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Well – let me start at the beginning. I had to stop at Quest to have my monthly blood draw *sob*
Then went southwards to Watson to see the orthopedic surgeon - … well, it’s not good news, but not seriously bad news.
I have done damage to my left knee – may have to have surgery to remove a portion of the kneecap, so it won’t lock up anymore. But, that’s not all. My right knee is going bad now – bone is almost touching bone now. I will no longer be walking without pain – I can keep the pain to a minimum with painkillers, and I have been doing pretty good in losing weight, but surgery is inevitable now. The doctor and I have agreed to wait until next year, and make an educated decision then. I still have to go back to see him October 22nd, before I leave with Jens to our cruise vacation for painkiller shots. We will do some more talking then – ugh.
While I was waiting in the exam room, I took a picture of my socks - just wanted something cheerful! I guess I already knew in the back of my mind it was bad news.
Anyhow, I’m here now.
Last weekend was nice – still too cold, but getting warmer…just a little.
Friday night, went to DCC for a Close to My Heart party – Nora, Nora, Nora! We made a 9 x 9 scrapbook page and a little accordion album. Will post those later in my blog.
Saturday, I had a Bell Club general meeting – presided over as Corresponding Secretary…yes, I’m a glory hound!!! ROFL!!! Nah, just had fun picking on my old classmate, Craig, and looking serious and secretarial…yeah right.
Sunday, had another meeting – Greater StL Chapter of MoAD – Secretary. Got notes taken, and now I gotta type them out tomorrow. Just no time today – gotta get caught up on work and gossip first.
And now to round up some news -
My old friend Leon B was in the hospital February 2nd for surgery to remove a tumor from his right thigh, half the size of a football. He is doing fine, has been going through radiation and the doctor has declared him cancer-free. Leon has been home since February 5th and is walking normally again.
This is him in the hospital:
I have been busy with several things - am the secretary of the GSLAD/MAAD softball committee for the upcoming softball tournament this July, being the corresponding secretary for St. Louis Bell Club, and also as secretary for Greater St. Louis Chapter of MoAD (Missouri Association of the Deaf) and am also on the committee for the MoAD Conference this June - just helping out where needed.
I'm also trying to get back into the swing of things again - because of my depression since last Thanksgiving, I fell out of a lot of things - now I've given myself a mental shake and getting back into stuff again. I have neglected my stamping table - well, there's another reason for that - it's TOO cold down there in the basement! However, that's no excuse - I could do it upstairs in the living room...I know.
I miss doing stuff - I just have to get cracking again.
Work is doing OK - just slow at times.
You know, I have been looking at some pictures lately... and am rather pleasantly surprised at the progress I'm making. I know it's slow going, but I can see the difference.
This is how I started out as - around July 1999:
This is me in October 2007:
Again me in late January 2007:
Still a long way to go - just gotta be patient and take my time.
Also, I went to a stamp night at my friend's home and this is what I took - this was such a wonderful scene of a mother and her son making a card - this is Jen B and her son, D.
I also have been doing a lot of reflecting - on what I've become, what I want to be later in life, what my goals are, how I want to be and what I want to become - in other words, I'm trying to do better for myself and for those I love around me ~ my family, my partner and my friends. I still have many more good years to go and I want to live them out to the fullest.
I'm back to trying to keep journals - one where I write down notes all day, one where i put down what foods I've eaten, and one at the end of the day - a synopsis of what has transpired during the day.
I guess I'm just back to being me again.
